Yes, I’m almost dead. I’m still alive, but I’m not existing. I’m still breathing, but not with the same positive air I used to exhale. I’m so down, but I’m trying to avoid thinking that I am. I am sad, but I’m working on it — I’m trying to look happy.
I hate to write about this. But I can see no other way to lighten up the burden I have on my two shoulders right now. I’m just tired of people asking me silly questions that I myself don’t even know how to answer. It hurts, really. One night I asked myself, “Why did things turn out this way?”. The next thing I knew, the sun was already up. The question was left unanswered.
I don’t particularly know where it all went wrong. Was it me or anyone or anybody? I don’t know. T’was like I was wounded, but I don’t exactly know where it came from. I don’t know who to blame. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do. That’s why I decided to be just stagnant. I’m trying to act like everything’s just fine. I’m looking at things in the most positive way I can. I’m helping myself up.
The me today is not me, in fact. I’m lost and I can’t find my way back. Well, maybe one day I’ll get there, as I always say when I’m losing hope.
Think of happy thoughts!
Oo nasasaktan ako. Kapag nadapa ako, masakit. Kapag natusok ako ng ballpen o ng gunting o ng kutsilyo, masakit. Kapag naapakan ako ng kung sino mang putanginang bulag na di tumitingin sa daanan niya, masakit. Kapag bumunggo sa akin tapos na-outbalance ako, masakit. Kapag napuwing ako, masakit. Kapag pinagsasalitaan ako ng masama, masakit. Kapag nag-aral ako tapos nalaman kong bumagsak ako sa quiz o exam, masakit. Kapag may nagagalit sa akin, masakit. Kapag malungkot mga kaibigan ko at ang pamilya ko, masakit. Kapag alam kong wala nang patutunguhan tong nararamdaman ko para sayo dahil hindi mo rin naman ako mamahalin, masakit. Kapag umasa akong mamahalin mo ako tapos may iba ka na palang mahal, masakit. Kapag nawalan ako ng mahal sa buhay, masakit. Kapag alam kong kaya ko pa pero ayaw mo na, masakit.
Lahat naman tayo nasasaktan eh, hindi nga lang pare-pareho ang sakit pero masakit pa rin.
Oh, “I miss you” raw. Sarap sana sa pakiramdam ‘no? Na may nakaka-miss sa’yo. Lalo na kung ‘yung taong ‘yun eh ‘yung gusto mo. Ayos sana eh. Kaso, may “kaso”. Kasi nung nagreply ka ng “I miss you too”, wala na rin lang reply. Pero ano ba ‘to. Bakit ganito. Dapat nga masaya di ba? Kasi at least nagsabi sya. At least may “I miss you.” Pero, may “pero”. Nakakainis na nakakaewan ‘no? Baka nga kasi nag-eexpect pa tayo ng something more. Kaya ganyan na lang nagiging reaksyon natin.
Learn, little moth. Learn to take little steps forward towards the flame. You could feel its warmth, I know, and I know you’re caught up by how the flame dances graciously with the wind. Oh, how you want to bathe in her presence, how you long to touch her every corners. You’ve seen with both of your eyes how your friends burned to death in loving her, in going just even near her. But you are curious. You love her so badly. That heart of yours long for her as if she had been yours already, almost as if she had spent a moon with you.
So go, take a little step forward.
Your wings are now warm. Beads of sweat are now trickling down your temples. Your wings flutter a little against the warmth until one is on fire. Yet you endure. You endure. You reach out your hand to touch her and now, you are caught up by her flames. Like the pace of the rain, inch by inch of you, you are enflamed. You hold hands. You both breathe and then as she does, her flames has consumed you. You are now all ashes, but your dust remains on her hands.
Nice try, little one.